You big, fat pig! I love you!

Behold the beautiful pig. It provides us with delicious pork medallions, juicy pork chops, yummy ham-salad sandwiches and – this is the best part – bacon, glorious bacon.

I realize, of course, that I'm not the only hog hound in this world who knows that pigs are gooder than good. Ogden Nash wrote eloquently of swine:

The pig, if I am not mistaken,
Gives us ham and pork and bacon.
Let others think his heart is big–
I think it stupid of the pig.

It is no wonder that people would gather together to worship, taste and chow down on pig products, and the best byproduct of our beloved oinkers is bacon. Bacon! Bacon! Bacon!

Is it any wonder, then, that a Baconfest takes place this day in St. Louis? If you're near the Gateway to the West today, you must stop at Kiener Plaza in downtown St. Lou and take part in the festivities. Good bacon grub is being served up by such vendors as Ferguson Brewing Company, Ex Cop Donut Shop, Lucas Park Grille and Steve's Hot Dogs on the Hill, to name a few, but the major attraction could be the Baconfest's 500-pound bacon log. Oh, saturated fat and cholesterol, take me now!

Baconfest founders Matthew Willer and Matthew Guillot broke the bacon-log world record in 2011 with a 120-pound log. Today's 500-pounder most likely will stand forever as the world record.

Meanwhile, the vendors are competing for the coveted Bacon Battle Award, to be decided by five judges. The two Matthews say the "panel of judges will take into account presentation, creativity, taste, and of course the perfect application of bacon!" Damn! Why can't I be one of the judges?

My favorite bacon treat is a BLT – bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich – with extra mayonnaise. And, as called for in the construction of any proper BLT, the bread must be toasted. 

Along with being host for Baconfest, St. Louis is also home to the heart-stopping BLT at Crown Candy Kitchen, where it's listed on the menu as – this is a no-brainer – Heart Stopping BLT. Crown Candy has been a soda fountain, sandwich shop, ice-cream parlor and candy store since 1913, so the folks there have had plenty of time to perfect that giant BLT with the pound of thick-sliced bacon in it. Want to feel like you're in hog heaven? Go to Crown Candy, where they make their own spectacular ice cream, and consume a Heart Stopping BLT and a thick, hearty, Crown Candy milk shake. Just writing that sentence has my heart straining to pump without exploding. 

The best BLT in the world, however, might be the scrumptious BLT at tiny Sako's at Highways 188 and 189 in Iwakuni, Japan. Sako's BLT has been world famous for many years. I lived on 188 – let's just say a few decades ago – and I fell in love with the BLTs built by the couple who owned the place. New owners took over in 2011, so you can still munch on a Sako's BLT, which has been written about in many publications. Even Playboy back in the late 1970s proclaimed Sako's BLT as the best in the world. Don't ask me how I know that. Let's move along, people.

These days, here in the United States, Wendy's is tempting us devout bacon lovers with it's beef-and-bacon creation called the Baconator®. Here it is: a slice of cheese, then a beef patty, then a slice of cheese, then a layer of bacon slices, then another beef patty, then another layer of bacon, all sandwiched in a great-looking bun. Aw, gee! It's just not
fair! I'm on a stupid wheat-free diet, so I can't run to Wendy's and devour a Baconator®. I'd even eat one with that registered-trademark symbol, if I could. To heck with the almost 1,000 calories, of which 570 are from fat. 

I shall not complain, though. Plenty of bacon creations are possible without wheat involved. I can enjoy bacon-wrapped scallops, bacon-wrapped water chestnuts, bacon-wrapped chicken, and I really like bacon-wrapped shrimp with Vietnamese bacon fried rice accompanied by bacon-wrapped asparagus. And I never turn away waffles and bacon or a simple plate of bacon and eggs. How about just bacon? Give me some!

A few days ago, I made Julia Child's famous French beef stew called boeuf bourguignon. The recipe starts with bacon. If something starts with bacon, it has to be good. I needed some serious bacon, so my wife bought me a big chunk of it at the base commissary. Julia's recipe calls for cutting the hunk of bacon into lardons. Things called lardons
undoubtedly taste good. As instructed, I cut the bacon into pieces, each a quarter-inch thick and an inch and half long. The aroma of cooked bacon put me in a delicious mood, and the rest of the preparation went quite well. My stew ala Julia was outstanding, if I must say so myself.

It's sad to think that some people don't eat meat. That means they cannot chow down on any greasy, mouthwatering, delectable bacon. Even Homer Simpson knows that people must have bacon. I heard him allude to that fact in an episode of "The Simpsons." Said Homer to one of his adorable daughters: "Lisa, honey, are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?"

I think some leftover boeuf bourguignon is still in the refrigerator. You know, they say stew gets better after it sits in the fridge, so I'll see ya later. Meet me in St. Louis maybe, at the Baconfest.

Pull me a glassful of that green beer from the tap, and pass me a plate of the corned beef and cabbage. Happy St. Patrick's Day, lads and lasses!

Here in the St. Louis area, it's the day for the 44th Annual St. Patrick's Day Parade in Dogtown, a cluster of neighborhoods south of the city's Forest Park and steeped in Irish-American history. But first, the 35th Annual St. Patrick's Day Parade Run kicked off at 9 this morning and coursed through downtown and midtown St. Louis for five miles. The parade was set to begin at noon.

I'm still at home, having now missed both events. I decided last night not to go today, because the local weather experts forecasted a rain-snow mix for this morning and temperatures in the 30s all day. I double-checked early this morning with meteorologists Kristen Cornett and Steve Templeton on KMOV-TV, and as Kristen told us that we could get one to three inches of snow, the station showed us footage of last year's parade. We viewers could see that the sun was shining on the 2012 procession, and people were dressed in shirtsleeves. Oh, that hurt. I don't want clouds, snow and winter ale today. I want warm, sunny, spring weather and some St. Louis green beer.

I'm finding a little bit of Irish comfort in the St. Louis Cardinals, who are wearing green uniform jerseys as they play the Miami Marlins right now at Roger Dean Stadium in Jupiter, Fla., televised on Fox Sports Midwest. The two ball clubs share Dean Stadium, and the Marlins are the home team today, wearing white pants and black jerseys. The Cards are wearing gray bottoms and green tops, with red undershirts and green ball caps. They look outstanding. I realize it's just a spring-training exhibition game, but
it's St. Patrick's Day, baseball's in the air, and I really want it to be springtime!

I wore green almost everyday for 20 years when I was an active-duty Marine. And you know St. Patrick's day was a good excuse to drink beer, which always has been a popular activity among U.S. Marines. That we were all dressed in green certainly added to the festive air of the annual St. Patty's observance, although I never gave much thought to St. Patrick. It was just a great day to drink some beers.

I do know that St. Patrick is a patron saint of Ireland, who died on maybe March 17 in 460 or 461. The exact date is not a certainty among historians. Nevertheless, we observe March 17 as St. Patrick's Day, and the Irish have considered it a religious holiday for some 1,000 years. 

I've heard that the Irish like St. Patrick also because he drove all the snakes out of Ireland. I really like snakes, so if I were Irish, I'd have a real beef about that one. 

I am one-quarter Irish-American. My maternal grandmother was born Ellen McLeod, although I think the old clan back in Ireland spells it as: MacLeod. Either way, I have a wee bit 'a Irish in me, and I'd be gettin' pretty upset with any saint who would try to drive the snakes out of America. I be likin' me snakes, lads and lassies. I'm especially fond of gopher snakes, bull snakes and hog-nosed snakes. On this day, I'm fond of green
snakes.

Today, I have a couple of St. Louis-brewed beers to enjoy, and my Cardinals are on Fox Sports Midwest, decked out in bright green jerseys and green Cardinal caps. All I need now are a couple of hot dogs doused in mustard.

With that in mind, I just now traipsed to the meat bin in the refrigerator and found green hot dogs. I yelled to my wife, thanking her for the St. Patrick's Day dogs. She told me to throw them away – they're just old dogs.

Just kidding. I made that up. She'd kill me if I said that for real. Happy St. Patty's Day!

It was time to spring forward again, and fortunately, I remembered to set those clocks one hour ahead before I hit the sack last night.

Springing forward one hour is the first step toward spring and springtime weather and all the things that come with the warmth of the new season.

Bye-bye, cold temperatures. So long, snow. Hit the road, ice. Welcome back, baseball, longer days, green grass, budding trees, sunny golf courses, good fishing, warm jogging, warm everything.

I was not ready, however, to spring from bed this morning, when my alarm clock sounded off at 6 a.m. My body believed it was 5 a.m., of course. Why was I getting up at 6 o'clock, anyway? I had to bake a couple of pies – one cherry, one peach. Am I crazy?

No, I'm not nuts. I'm a procrastinator. Today is our church's annual chicken-dinner fundraiser, from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m., and I volunteered to bake a couple of pies. They need a lot of pies. Practically the whole town turns out for the fried chicken, trimmings and yummy pies in the church's Fellowship Hall.

I had planned to make my pies from scratch yesterday. As would be normal for me, I found that putting off making the pies was more fun than actually making the pies. Finally, last night, I went to the store to enlist the help of Mrs. Smith and Sara Lee. And at zero-six this morning, I set the oven for 400 degrees and then read the important directions provided by Ms. Lee and Mrs. Smith, a couple of real sweethearts for helping me out here.

Ignoring my wife's critical comments about my baking skills, I reasoned that I had good reason to use these fresh-from-the-freezer – and, oh yes, quite delicious – pies. The church bulletin's request for pie-making volunteers pointed out that disposable pie tins would be best. I guess it's too confusing to keep track of who owns whichever pie tins. Need I say more?

Besides, there can't be much difference between from-scratch pie and from-frozen pie. Read the statement on Mrs. Smith's pie box: "Home-baked goodness for all occasions." Yep, that's what it says. And Ms. Lee's box says: "Let the aroma of Sara Lee oven-fresh cherry pie fill your home." Again, need I say more?

The next sign of spring is the official first day of spring, which arrives in just 10 days. I can hardly wait. My brand new fishing outfit is all set to reel in some largemouth bass, and I'm starting to put away my sweats and get out my hiking and jogging shorts. 

Right now, though, I need to hop into the shower, while the pies cool down on their cooling racks. (I'm using professional cooling racks, mind you.) Then I'm off to church with my professional-tastin' pies.

I can almost feel that warm, spring air. And what's the weather forecast for tomorrow? Snow flurries. Arrrrrrgh!

Today is the telephone's birthday.

Ring this up as another one of my mistakes if you think I'm wrong, but I'm declaring this the birthday of the phone because Alexander Graham Bell received the patent for his telephone invention on this day in 1876. 

Some people disagree with me, saying that Bell was not the only one to invent what has become the annoying device we all rely on so much today. In fact, Bell filed for his patent a mere two hours before inventor Elisha Gray filed for his own phone patent. 

Western Union Telegraph ended up hiring Gray and Thomas Alva Edison to create its telephone system, while Bell started up the Bell Company, which went on to become the telecommunications giant AT&T – that's American Telephone and Telegraph.

So, if not for that remarkable invention 137 years ago, Carly Rae Jepsen would not have had her mega hit, "Call Me Maybe," last summer. What a lackluster summer vacation it would have been for kids everywhere. For me, too, for crying out loud!

Also, if not for the phone, telemarketers would not exist to bother us. And without them, Jerry Seinfeld would have had no telemarketer schtick in that great "Seinfeld" episode:

Telemarketer: Hi. Would you be interested in switching over to TMI long-distance service?
Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number, and I'll call you later.
Telemarketer: Uh, well, I'm sorry, we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Telemarketer: No.
Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.
CLICK!

Several generations have watched and are still watching "The Andy Griffith Show," set in the little town of Mayberry, where the sheriff's office was equipped with such modern telecommunications technology as that old candlestick telephone. Can you imagine that classic television show without Andy clicking on the phone and asking the local operator, Sarah, to get him the mayor's office? And Barney Fife had to have a phone with which to call Juanita and sing sweet nothings into her ear, while Andy listened –  undetected – from behind. Classic stuff.

Phones have come a long way. My home phone can tell me who's calling me. I appreciate that. If I'm busy, and I see or hear that I have a call from someone I know is going to talk my ear off for an hour, I can ignore it and stay busy at what I'm busy at. That's a good phone feature.

My business card says that I threw my cell phone into Silver Creek. That's not because I don't want my cell phone number to be on my card. It's because I threw my cell phone into Silver Creek. You see, I was fishing along the creek, relaxing on a beautiful day in the solitude and serenity of the hardwood forest. My hands smelled like bottomland mud and night-crawler ooze and fish slime, and my ears were enjoying the sounds of  pileated woodpeckers, red-winged blackbirds, young wood ducks, scurrying red squirrels and the rustling breeze. Suddenly, it all was interrupted by that stupid phone. I tossed it into Silver Creek.

Now my phone bill is cheaper. I pay AT&T every month for just the home phone service. It's still too much, though. It's like that old joke: Talk is cheap? Have you seen my phone bill? I guess the joke was funnier a few decades ago, when Henny Youngman did it.

When I was very young, all the phones were rotary-dial phones. You stuck your index finger in the hole with the appropriate number and rotated the dial. You repeated that until all the numbers were dialed. From that came the phrase "dial the number," as in: Dial the number in front of you now, and we'll send you the Super Chopper for just $9.99.

Phones today are super smart. Many of them are called smartphones. A smartphone owner can shoot photographs, play games, access the Web, text messages, check mail, look at sports scores, even make phone calls. Sometimes I yearn for the days of old, the days of simplicity, the days of rotary dial.

Listen, if you want to dial me, I'm in the book. So, call me maybe – or maybe not.

Shrimp is displayed before me yesterday in all its culinary splendor in a bowl of seafood cocktail sauce. Shrimp is so versatile. You can use the word shrimp to describe something small: It's a little shrimp of a thing. You can make jokes about shrimp: Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish. You can use the term shrimp to insult someone: Carla Thomas said to Otis Redding, "You a shrimp, Otis." Or maybe she said tramp. Anyway, best of all, you can eat shrimp. When I eat shrimp, I'm in seafood paradise. I love shrimp. I can eat tons of shrimp. I cook and serve shrimp in many ways. As Pvt. Benjamin Buford "Bubba" Blue once said, "Shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, sauté it. There's, um, shrimp kebabs, shrimp Creole, shrimp gumbo, pan fried, deep fried, stir fried. There's pineapple shrimp and lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. That's, that's about it." That's plenty, Bubba. Let's eat!